lllucas 0 Report Share Posted November 10, 2004 Hi, everybody! :hammer: OK, let's act like adults here. :-o I've discovered lately that the average age of residents in our facility is getting younger. We have several residents under the age of 50 who need a regular supply of tampons. The other day one of the younger females asked me if she and a younger male resident could kiss and hold hands, etc. I said it was their right, although they should use some tact and not upset the others. She said that was fine and that they would limit it to evening hours after the older folks had gone to bed. Later she asked me if it was alright if they had sex. :pint: OK Activity Directors, I know what my answer was. What's yours and how would you chart it? Goin' nuts :hammer: , Linda Lucas, AD http://www.theactivitydirectorsoffice.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobbie 0 Report Share Posted November 10, 2004 Hi Illucas :hammer: I have experienced similar situation, although my lady residents do not use tampons and most are in depend pads, they too have desires and feelings, and I have witnessed some developing relationships with our male residents. Most of the women are content to hold hands and occassionally kiss, but I have not witnessed anything else although some nurses have told stories that whilst doing rounds in the evening, they have discovered attempts of bed sharing. :-o I have also seen many of the male residents who are quite demented gratifying themselves, usually nurses place a sheet over them but I prefer to wheel them into a secluded and more private area whilst they go about their personal business. Some nursing homes have set up a room for communual rights of partners. we do not have this and I have not had relatives speak to me about this although i see the frustration of the husbands and wives when they come to visit. This is a need that does not get addressed within our everyday leisure and recreation activities although we should be seriously thinking about it. Also same sex relationships are there although one of the partners has become a resident does not switch off the desires of the partner. What can you do?? :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pennie 26 Report Share Posted November 10, 2004 Hi, I will never forget how this subject was brought up to me. It was my very first day and in fact first couple of hours on the job :-o A female res. older lady in her 80's and another male res. also older, said to me we want to do it. Where can we go? I was surprised and just didn't know how to respond. I have since then learned a lot and almost nothing suprises me now 8-) Any way it is their right and we should help them find a private spot/place etc.. Before I do any charting I speak to the Socail Worker. I usually chart a light version of what happened and make a note to read Social Services notes. SS usually speak to the res., if this is a new behavior for one or the other of the res. The s/he documents it. Since this is more in their line of expertise I am more than happy to let them fill in the details. ;-) After all they let us fill in the details under our dept. P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaineyBeth 0 Report Share Posted November 11, 2004 Well, I am at an IL/AL center, and although I swear there is more sex here than in any college dorm, I usually don't see it. (We are still a very conservative, church related facility!) However, yesterday we were packing up our library, which will soon be moved to a new location. And guess what I found on the shelves--Joy of Sex. Let me tell you how suprised I was! A resident looked over my shoulder smiled and said, "What a good book. That really brings back memories!" Smiles, I am glad that they still are active enough to have all the pleasures anyone has! --LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigchris 1 Report Share Posted November 28, 2004 I work in a very conservative facility and I had to deal with the "SINS" of my residents for about 6 months. I finally got tired of the staff picking on the residents and saying that what they were doing was "wrong" so I suggested to the residents that they get married. Needless to say, the staff had question marks over thier heads, because they couldn't say anything anymore!!!! I have found that the staff throws more into the argument than the residents, staff seem to get holier than thou at work. But when they walk out they are scandalous! Anyway, we had the wedding and I prepared a honeymoon suite for them, everything turned out great. bigchris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllucas 0 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2004 Hi, Chris! :-) I appreciate your posting. That was a great way to help the residents and to shut up the staff. You're right. There is a real imbalance between staff members personal lives and their holier-than-thou attitudes. It happens in all facilities. The staff is worse at starting and spreading rumors than the residents. Sometimes, I think they live just to stir up trouble. Other times they are the salt-of-the-earth. People! One of the Peanuts characters once said, "I love mankind. It's people I hate." I think we've all had that feeling at one time or another. Anyway, you handled the situation in a very tactful way. Good job! Best wishes, Linda Lucas, AD ;-) http://www.theactivitydirectorsoffice.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lpc1124 0 Report Share Posted December 3, 2004 If both participants are adults & mentally competent why is it anybody's business whether they are being intimate or not? They have a right to privacy. And why does this need to be documented? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diana 0 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 Hi LPC, Welcome to our site! You're right - they have a right to be intimate if they are mentally competent. But part of our jobs is to ensure that they ARE mentally competent, so that there isn't a case of a family or resident saying they didn't give consent. It is for the safety of all parties. And in a nursing home, not many residents are that capable of making that type of decision, though the feeling and desires are still there. Also, back to the family issue - to think Mom or Dad is having sex with someone they aren't married to - well, the shock of it all! Discretion is of the upmost. Of course, documentation is so important from the legal standpoint. We as regular citizens have the luxury of making love whenever we want, but when you are under the care others because you are not capable of taking care of yourself, then the issue rises of "are you capable of making this decision?" And we have to prove that the resident is capable. Hope I didn't get too word, or preachy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gina 2 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 Hi Diana, I like the way you put it.Very well stated. Gina :-P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllucas 0 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2004 Hi, Diana! :-) Your response hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much. Sincerely, Linda Lucas, AD ;-) http://www.theactivitydirectorsoffice.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lpc1124 0 Report Share Posted December 10, 2004 Hi Diana, Thanks for your response. There are so many levels to the issue of intimacy in long term care. If 2 residents are consenting & competent, does the family have a say in how they express their feelings? If 2 residents are mildly demented yet are still drawn to each other in some way (hugging, kissing, hand holding or more) does the facility have the right to separate them if their families object? Whose needs are we serving? This situation occured in one of my facilities. The residents were separated & became depressed. I think these are issues that are still not being dealt with as sensitively as they should. The need to be loved certainly doesn't decrease with age or impairment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MagPie Report Share Posted December 20, 2004 Thanks for an enlightened look into the real world of LTC. I'll be back often. MagPie 8-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackled20 0 Report Share Posted December 20, 2004 Within our facility their are a number of "relationships of love" sprouting up. But I know that with our facitility, when the family fills out the paperwork, there is a sheet that express that these things might ocurr. At that time, if it occurs, we contact the family and we make a choice per realtionship. I know that within our facility that there very functional realtionships that the families seem to be okay with. For most of the residents, it fills avoid that is in their lives. Becasue this void is filled they seem to have a better quality of life and isn't that what we are all about? A better quality of life? Most residents as you know have a 2.5 years left to live once admitted to a Nursing home / ALF. Why not let them keep it? Here is a question that deals with the topic of sex within the facility. What about the spouse that shows up to see their spouse more or less for a booty call? They don't really come around except for this. What kind of concerns does this bring up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllucas 0 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 Hello, AD's! :-) What is your policy if two, single adult residents, one male and one female, want to room together? Looking forward to your thoughts, Linda Lucas, AD ;-) The Activity Director's Office http://www.theactivitydirectorsoffice.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy 0 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 We only allow husband and wife to room together. To my knowledge, we haven't had any ask to room together who weren't married. But, because of the bathroom, they won't allow it here. It is for the safety of the residents and the home. Stacy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllucas 0 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Hi, Folks! :-) I just received this in my E-mail. Thought I'd pass it on to you all. The whole story (if you're brave enough to read it) can be found at Suddenly Senior ( http://www.suddenlysenior.com/ ) :pint: ________________________________ Nine Oldsters Booted Out of Nursing Home - For Trying to Have an Orgy! Seems that a bunch of old goats, ranging in age from 73 to 98, schemed a secret sex party to celebrate the 90th birthday of one of the "girls." As a British newspaper reported, "The let-it-all-hang-out party took place just after midnight on October 28. The three wrinkly Romeos and six sagging seductresses gathered together in the rec room and stripped to the buff." Well, you can imagine the staff's alarm and embarrassment when orderlies investigated rumba rumbling from the rec room. There, surrounded by candles and dressed in birthday suits slathered with baby oil, the horny nine were wing-dinging to lay canes in dusty corners. "They hadn't got too far," a staffer was reported to say. "I guess it was taking some of the gents a while to get started. But they were all naked. Believe me, it was the scariest thing I've ever seen." ____________________________________ Best wishes, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmcgill 0 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 8-) Well I have experienced the same thing in our home. We now have a man that comes to see his wife that is totally confused, but has a girlfriend on the other unit that he comes and make out with in her room. At one point he was still having sex with his wife that was and is totally confused. Which I felt was wrong when I first started, but as a husband he had the right and we could not stop him. We also have had two residents that wanted to room together but their kids said no! The only reason the kids had a say in the situatuin was because their father was becoming very confused and wasn't as oriented as the female anymore. I agree that the staff acts so holy when it comes to the residents doing what makes them happy. Everybody felt it was wrong for the gentleman to have a wife and a girlfriend. That at one point lived across the hall from each other, till he had a feeling his wife knew what he was doing. So he moved her. I feel, just because they are in a facility that we have the right to dictate everything. So let them enjoy it while it last. They say the best way to go is HAPPY. Please let the families know and I agree document the sex, because it is a physical and mental activity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissyJ 0 Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 I realize this is an older topic but I kinda have a problem in this area myself. We have two residents, the gentleman is assisted living and the other on our nursing side, they are well....romantically involved. My problem the lady in this used to be one of my most active participants. She attended pretty much every activity and so forth.. Well now that she has her "friend" I never see her. I do chart this and have tried to get them both to attend things. I guess this is still an "activity" ;-) Well just thought I would add this. Take care all and Happy Valentines Day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ORLEC 0 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 Hello there -- Most of my experience is in HC or RCF dementia care activities. As I have been trained, (and as my resident rights document states), my residents have the right to any consensual relationships they choose. How do you define consensual for active people with dementia? The biggest point is that neither is more confused that the other -- that they are both at the same functioning level. The area that I have difficulty with is when one person with dementia believes that another resident is their spouse (even calling them the wrong name) and becomes very affectionate. On one hand, they would be agast if they knew they were with the wrong person (not to mention how their spouse would feel), but on the other hand this usually occurs just after they are admitted and they are usually needing all the comfort they can get and when the other resident is enjoying the special attention... I have not witnessed this going to a sexual level, but I have never had the heart to break up even this kind of couple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest J. Sarka Report Share Posted February 24, 2005 I also work in a LTC facility with many residents who have been deemed incompentent to make appropriate decisions regarding this for themselves. We have one resident who asks fairly regularly to have a relationship with someone from outside the facility and due to his condition - he has AIDS, this is not permitted. We have to look at the safety of the resident as well as the safety of the other individual. The resident stated that since the other person has the same problem, there should not be an issue, however, this particular problem also may carry other medical issues that may increase the chance of some other disease occuring in our resident due to their familiarity. I haven't had to deal with married couples as yet, however it has been discussed and the only issue that has come up that I am aware of is if one of the partners attempts to have sexual relations with their spouse and the spouse having some form of Alzheimers and perhaps some medical issues such as skin breakdown and therefore again the safety of the resident is at risk. I see no issue with two competent adults within a nursing home facility, especially if they are married, having sexual relations as long as nothing is medically compromised in either partner by doing so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinm 2 Report Share Posted March 11, 2005 I have dealt with these situations a number of times. As long as BOTH parties have capacity they are free to express themselves lovingly in any way they desire with one another. One facility I worked at, we had 2 couples, not married to ea other, living in same room. Both had previous relationship before, and so there was no problem. Even so, if they are capacitated we have to respect their wishes. I also had a gay resident who regularly had a friend come and visit. Again it all comes down to capacity. If they are of sound mind, we have to respect and try to provide their wishes to the upmost, as long as it does not infringe on others rights. As far as the hubby coming by only for a "booty call" Is the resident capacitated? Could she give proper consent? If not, the hubby needs to take her home for booty call, as we are again protecting the rights of our residents, and legally one could get into hot water by allowing the hubby to do his thing in your facility without the resident having capacity to agree to such "goings on" Yes document document document, not only to protect your facility but the rights of all concerned. SS as well should be involved and following up on rights/dignity of the resident(s) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllucas 0 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 Hello, AD's :-) Here's an excellent 2 page PDF fact sheet about sexual relations and Alzheimer's Disease. It is from the Alzheimer's Association and it presents a fair assessment of the problem. Go to http://www.alz.org/Resources/FactSheets/FSsexuality.pdf to download. Happy ADing, Linda ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllucas 0 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2005 Hey, AD's! Here's another online resource regarding sex in the nursing home... http://www.jeffdanger.com/sex_in_nursing_homes.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tigger Report Share Posted May 19, 2005 Hello, Im a little new at this but would like to tell you all something that happened in a facility I worked at. I was a CNA at the time. I worked in what was called a younger adult unit. Ages where 18 to 50. Let me tell you about sex problems. We had a male resident that was 18, the state said he was fine mentally. after finding him with other female residents, just touch and feel things, state still said thats fine as long as the females were mentally ok and were able to make that decision. Then during a state survey we got tagged all over the place for all kinds of reasons. Make sure there Dr. knows what his residents are doing, make sure the family knows whats going on. Do your homework,, we found out about 6 months after he was there that this 18 year old resident was a sexual preditor. Problems, Problems, Problems. I do believe that our residents have the right to have sex until they are uncapable of doing so. The problem is we cant always know everything about our residents,, HIPPA and all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest_kimmyh Report Share Posted July 16, 2005 Okay I have run into a situation today. I have a w/c bound 54 year old male who has developed a relationship with a 64 yr old female. They are both in their right minds and I was confronted today regarding the staff pointing and making comments to them. I called it to the attention of our DON who spoke with the staff. The male resident approached me today regarding getting a prescription for Levitra. I reported this to his nurse and doctor. I also told him that there are ways to physically express love that would not require Levitra. He asked for some handouts or pamphlets and I at the moment have none to give. I told both of the residents that I would see about finding them a place to be alone and if they wanted to be alone in the male resident's room (his roomate is currently in the hospital) that they should shut the door so that the staff would have to knock before they entered. The female question said she felt uncomfortable doing this because they had attempted it before and they could hear the staff outside of the room listening and laughing. Again, went to the DON with this. Both residents involved are divorced. Next question....the male resident asked about his rights regarding marriage and POA. I really don't know what to tell him. I will take it up with the Social Worker next week. I just feel like the middle man at the moment. I mean they are both consenting adults with no mental barriers, why is this becoming such an ordeal? Oh and for the record, the female resident was frequently on oxygen and breathing treatments before and claiming she always didn't feel good. Since meeting "Mr.Right" she is healed and happy. Go Figure! Everyone deserves love and if you can find it in a Nursing Home of all places, I think it should not only be allowed but encouraged and nurtured! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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